A Pool Full of Tears

Thursday night I swam just under a mile in one hour 

without the aid of fins. It surprised me. I didn't think my legs 

were strong enough to last that long. I'd started

using the fins last summer to help improve my stroke

and became dependent on them to help me keep up

the other, stronger swimmers. I know that to achieve my

goals, I need to be shed of them; I lose about

5-7 seconds per length without them and the only

solution is to, well, start over.

I did that Thursday night when I took part in the

2014 Speedo USMS One-Hour National Championship.

Entrants swim for one hour in a pool at least

25 yards or longer, then submit their recorded times

via e-mail or snail mail to determine the winner.

The event was organized locally by IAM as a fund raiser

to benefit local clubs. They wanted as close to

one hundred percent participation as possible,

otherwise I would not have entered, nor would I have

found out that, yes, I could swim without the damn fins.

Also, I came within a time range that I think will 
allow me to reach my goal for the first open water

swim I want to do later this summer.

But it was all meaningless to me because I was rude

to someone I love. I'd allowed myself to be manipulated

by a younger woman and took my hurt feelings out on him.

He did not deserve it. He's a good man who has been

nothing but kind to me. He makes me want to do well,

to work hard, and to be better than I am.

He is my muse, inspiring artwork and writing.

I was rude to him and only hurt myself in the process.

While I was swimming, I did it with a heavy heart;

even as I tried to do well, each time I breathed

I felt like crying. Walking into the cold,

cutting air afterwards was as if I'd cut out 

a piece of my own heart, with no way to heal it.

Damn.