Friday, February 7, 2014

A Pool Full of Tears

Thursday night I swam just under a mile in one hour 
without the aid of fins. It surprised me. I didn't think my legs 
were strong enough to last that long. I'd started
using the fins last summer to help improve my stroke
and became dependent on them to help me keep up
the other, stronger swimmers. I know that to achieve my
goals, I need to be shed of them; I lose about
5-7 seconds per length without them and the only
solution is to, well, start over.

I did that Thursday night when I took part in the
Entrants swim for one hour in a pool at least
25 yards or longer, then submit their recorded times
via e-mail or snail mail to determine the winner.
The event was organized locally by IAM as a fund raiser
to benefit local clubs. They wanted as close to
one hundred percent participation as possible,
otherwise I would not have entered, nor would I have
found out that, yes, I could swim without the damn fins.
Also, I came within a time range that I think will 
allow me to reach my goal for the first open water
swim I want to do later this summer.

But it was all meaningless to me because I was rude
to someone I love. I'd allowed myself to be manipulated
by a younger woman and took my hurt feelings out on him.
He did not deserve it. He's a good man who has been
nothing but kind to me. He makes me want to do well,
to work hard, and to be better than I am.
He is my muse, inspiring artwork and writing.
I was rude to him and only hurt myself in the process.
While I was swimming, I did it with a heavy heart;
even as I tried to do well, each time I breathed
I felt like crying. Walking into the cold,
cutting air afterwards was as if I'd cut out 
a piece of my own heart, with no way to heal it.


lin said...

you can apologize-- it works.

William Kendall said...

The sooner you apologize, the better. It'll do you both good.

Speedway said...

Hi, lin and William. I did apologize as soon as I had the opportunity last night. Somehow, though, it didn't feel like it was enough. I'm not usually a bitch, but gimme a hurt feeling or two and I can manufacture a snit of royal proportions. I guess I'll just have to work harder.